I've read about the afterlife..

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 08:16:24 GMT

I know I say this alot but I seriously give up.I'm done with trying.I'm just gonna live my life right now without even worrying about stupid guys or stupid things that really bother me.and I know that's gonna be reallyyyyy hard since guys are my life That's another thing I need to change.who the hell cares about guys.I do alot. but I shouldn't I'm just a kid I got a whole life to worry about them.why start early? oh wait I am a 16 yr old girl and pretty much every 16 yr old girl likes boys. haha. well yeah. so I'm done. who cares anymore.. I don't.I'm gonna go on and about my business here in Sandwich and when the time is right I'll go back home and maybe things will get better. actually I know they will.I just keep thinkin about the future. what if everything doesn't work out? I always look on the negative side.I should really change that. I am giving up.

so today we got this thing in the mail for a credit card and it was for dumb mastercard and it said 'introducing the irish heritage card' and it was all it was created for people who are proud of their irish background and heritage.okay wtf has this world come to. Society is so dumb. whats the difference in credit cards?!!!!!!!!!!!! Gay. their all the same.

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 09:06:52 GMT

I miss Arturo.Damn the Army.lol. He sent me a letter. <3 I can't wait til he gets home. yipeeeeeeee. but then 2 days later he leaves for college.Damn college.lol

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 08:15:17 GMT

Hey yall I just woke up and cant go back to sleep..oh well. but yeah. tonight we went to sandwich and went to pats and then to grannies fun fun. yup.so dumb kyle kept diving by pats and yelling shit.what a dumbass.so..I called *him* and he said he'd call back but didn't so waht's new he does that all the time.I'm used to it. i fell asleep anyways.. at like 130 which is realllllllllly early for me thas prlly why im up. lol. Im out.

yeah

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 05:49:21 GMT

you treat me like i dont even matter, like you dont even care. and me ? id give the world for you, id do anything for you and you know it. but you wouldnt give anything for me. and after me trying to make this friendship work, you dont try for it at all
i cant keep being the girl you run to call whenever
theres no one else to listen. i cant keep being the
girl you go to when some other girl finally decides
that she's had enough and doesn't want you anymore . you
always told me i was so special to you. but im not, if
i was .. then i wouldnt be this "backup girl" that i am for you

I seriously can't keep going at this. I love this kid.but at the same time I hate how he is. Ya know. It's like guys don't even understand how girls feel.I wish that they could just live a girl's life for a day. ya know?! but like there's noone I don't like anyone like I like him. and it sucks cuz He knows that I would go to the end of the world and back and he knows that.and any time he fucks up he knows that I will forgive him cuz I'm just a nice person like that. But one day I'm gonna have enough and I'm just gonna quit forgiving and I will forget.It's not like he would care really. I'm just another girl on the list of hundreds. I can't even cry over him anymore cuz I'm so used to being treated like shit that I think shit is better than nothing.atleast he can treat me like something. I wanna just write him off but I can't it's not that easy. I would give anything to go back in time and if I woulda known that all of this would end up like this I'm not sure that I would do it the same.I would change everything. seriously. I am so dumb. It's like everytime he says something atleast he's talking. even if it is mean and really stupid. I just wish I could go back in time to when I was a little kid cuz it's true when they say that shit about like cuts and bruises are easier to heal than a broken heart. or whatever that saying is.I hate this. I seriously just wanna give up but I know that I can't let go that easy. he's always on my mind so it'd be pretty hard.

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 03:47:35 GMT

cassancody: i always thought that yall would get back together bc yall just had something i dont know
cassancody: he wont bc i know he still loves you just bc the way yall were you cant forget something like that

me too.

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 07:14:17 GMT

b a 7 1 1 7: theres this one girl
b a 7 1 1 7: named brittany smith you know her?
goodbyelullaby3: psh yeah shes only the hottest girl I've ever seen
goodbyelullaby3: what about her
b a 7 1 1 7: damn right
goodbyelullaby3: :-)
b a 7 1 1 7: ive been trying to get her but its not goin to well

WHAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? haha well I'm not trying that ..AGAIN

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 23:29:09 GMT

So today me chalf sara and tyler went to see the infamous sandwich pink rooster.this thing like walks around town and clucks and cockadoddles and shit its soooooo Funny. and it sleeps by this factory like place so we went and took a pic of it like evryone in sandwich knows about it its hilarious one time tyler shot a dart through its chest what a meanie but then it like went crazy

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 19:53:37 GMT

PARTY AT MY PLACE.AND YOUR INVITEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 22:39:24 GMT

so my new hair..you cant really tell but it has cherry coke chunks its like red and blonde highlights.. and black underneath it looks awesome up close.

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 07:00:36 GMT

we'll start with the good. Yes so I am a weeeeee bit tipsty.Yea.Sooooooooooooooooooooooo I don't think I have update in a wile.But I dont remember.so lets seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.tonight went to steph's 18th surrprise poarty.she was suprised.yay. a bunch of plano folks were ther.ewwwww I hate plano people except Steph.but yeah. so before that we me n russ ent to tylers and lindsey and beth were there his sister and friend.theyre awesome good drinkin buddies.so then we all heade to stephs to surprise her. and lets see. then we went back to tylers :) thats hwen the fun beagan.yup.do sars in ohio and yeah. I went to walmart yesterday. I bought a whole new bedroom shit like comforoter and shit. cuz I got a new bedroom suite like dresser and shit yup.hmm and I bought a sandwich shirt.. and a np shirtsome earrings buncha new make up and uhm a thing for my phone. some new curtains.hmm I cant remeber.Carl just called me :).weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.sar comes home monday. I get my hair doned monday. its gona have red and blolde hightlights and undernereearth aim gonna do either mahoganey or black its gonna look aweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeseome.

Bad news. okay so instead of gettin to go to Arkansas Im gettin a car. somethings fishy cuz my dadswas tryin to be all secret he goes what did thos people that clled today say and he nod at me. mom said about tha plain ticketss. and he goes no auto so uhm I mightt het to do both. mabte they mite surpirse. me. with ticktes. but I pick out my car in thre weeks. or lesss.but as soon as I get a car. and job then I gonna save my money. and fly to arkanssas.in case they dont surpoires me. I gota cll carl back latewr

This is great

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 01:36:19 GMT

a black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:

"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."

"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 07:41:19 GMT

I love drunk phone calls.and that person knows the right things to say to make my day so much better.I seriously love this kid with all my heart. everything I am and i will do anything for him and he knows it.

This the truth people

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 23:50:37 GMT

This is a tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.
This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.
This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.
This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys (or guy..).
This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.
So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.
So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 07:33:04 GMT

goodbyelullaby3: so all that shit you said to me that one day.. do you really think of me like that
b a 7 1 1 7: no
b a 7 1 1 7: i never did
b a 7 1 1 7: i was really mad
goodbyelullaby3: O ok
b a 7 1 1 7: i actually did see us back together
goodbyelullaby3: now you don't?
b a 7 1 1 7: i do

yikes UH OH.

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 08:19:13 GMT

Big 23 Willie: oh ha.. i was confused...alright i have to go b4 my parents get up...
Big 23 Willie: you better call me tom in the afternoonsometime
Big 23 Willie: ok talk to ya soon
goodbyelullaby3: bye sean
goodbyelullaby3: have a good nights rest
goodbyelullaby3: and think of me bunches
Big 23 Willie: how could i not think of you
Big 23 Willie: lol psssst i already amm ... :-[
goodbyelullaby3: you already are what?
Big 23 Willie: thinkin of you...

Hmm I wonder.. i like this kid alot.. but who knows

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 06:15:14 GMT

ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? Russ..or Brendan
2. What is your weapon of choice? wtf?the 9 i carry everywhere i go
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? yeah
4. How about of the same sex?yeah
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?Russ
6. What is your pet peeve? idk lying
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? forgetting is hard but i cn put that aside for someone
SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? idk nothing
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? who
knows
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't:Mika John
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? i dont want to
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? oh yeah lol case
6. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? none
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? nah
2. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? uhm move home.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? rich
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? yeah
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Yes.

FAITH
1. What religion do you follow? Christian
2. What church were you brought up in? harvest chapel..
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? huh
4. Do you believe in magic? some
5. What was the last promise you broke? that i wouldnt sleep in a tent with someone lol
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it?yeah
HOPE
1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? no how could i my last holidays were hell
2. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure?constantly
3. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? nah i pick the #s though haha
4. Do you gamble?nope
5. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? yeah

FORTITUDE
1. What are you most afraid of? everything
2. What did you do today that was really brave? uhm i got mad and drove away at russ' house risking our relationship lol is that brave?
3. Who is your favorite super hero, and why? someone that can be invisible
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? yeah
5. Have you ever gotten stage fright? yeah

TEMPERANCE
1. Do you collect anything? uhm.. shit that has various types of beer on it lol
3. Are you addicted to anything? uhm music
4. What's your preferred method of paying for things? cash?
5. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do: loose someone
6. Do you feel that you obsess over things? oh yes
PRUDENCE
1. Do you take advice when it's given? some
2. Do you drive defensively? uhm nah.

Nine people you talk to daily.
1: My mom.
2: my dog
3: me
4: Russ
5: Meggers
6: Pj
7: nate
8: sara
9: my grandma

Seven things you wear daily:
01) a tshirt
02) a ring on my left hand
03) a ring on my right hand
04) my watch
05) a from of pants
06) my livestrong bracelet
07) my aids awarness thingy

LAST PERSON WHO:
Slept in your bed other than you: my dog..
Made you cry: brendan and russ
Yelled at you: russ deffinetly..

HAVE YOU EVER:
Said "I love you" and meant it?: yyyyyyyyeah
Gotten into a fight?: Yes.
Been to Hawaii?: nah
Gotten lost?: yeah
Been to Canada?: yeah.
Danced naked? wouldnt you like to know what i do around the camp fire
Got a really bad feeling about something, then it happened? yeah
RANDOM QUESTIONS...
What are you going to do after you finish this survey? talk to pj call russ go to bed
Red or blue? blue
Spring or Fall? spring
Santa or Rudolph? wtf? uhm sure.
Math or English? english
What was the last food you ate?: i ate a burger at the friendly tap this morning at 11
High school or college? High school.
Are you bored? yeah
How many buddies are on? AIM:61 are signed on MSN:41
Last noise you heard? uhm music
Last time you went out of the state: uhm when i left arkansas..jan
Things you like in a boy: they have to look nice in shorts. shaggy hair.blue eyes.
Do you have a crush on someone? yeah
Do they know? yeah
What's her/his name? uhm lots of people
What book are you reading now? you know you love me.
What's on your mouse pad? dont have one
Favorite board game? life..or trivial pursuit
Worst feeling in the world? failure rejection lonliness
What is the first thing you think when you wake up in the morning? is he mad at me?
How many rings before you answer? 2 or until i hear it
Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate.
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Yes. The bunny robert got me and his tshirt ha.
Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?Left
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? no my left hand always rest on the a s e r and space bar keys lol
What's under your bed? uhm this rolly thing full of clothes
Favorite sport to watch? football
Hair color: brown
Eye color: green
Current height: 5'5
Glasses/Contacts: nah spose to have
Current age: 16
Siblings: bobbi
Siblings' age: 20
Located in: jonesboro
Any piercings: 8
Are you timely or always late:late
Do you have a job: yah kinda
Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: of course
Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: yeah last night
Are you lonely right now: yeah
Are you ever afraid you'll never get married: uhm i dont even want to get married
Do you want to get married: no
Do you want kids: nope

FAVORITE
Room in house: my room or the dining room
Day of the week: saturday
Flower: any
Month: december but not this last dec.

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU:
Cried: yeah
Bought something: yeah i bought ice cream at the country market.. man that machine was way cool ha
Gotten sick: nah
Sang: duh.
Said I love you: yeah
Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: yeah
Met someone new: uhm..yeah
Moved on: yeah!!!!!!
Talked to someone on the phone: yeah
Had a serious talk: yeah.
Missed someone: Yeah Megan Robert and now i miss Megan
Hugged someone: Yes.
Kissed someone: yeah!
Fought with your parents: Yeah
Had a lot of sleep: no

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 04:16:25 GMT

i laugh in your face you fucking idiot.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:44:17 GMT

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Brendan is your soulmate.

You truly love Sara Chalfin.

You consider Brittany your true friend.

You know that Ashlie is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Megan for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Nate is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Sara Burket is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Steven is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Steven changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Casey is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Casey has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:32:23 GMT

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:07:31 GMT

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1.Britt and any form of brittany..and brittnasty
2. Nannygoat
3. Arkansas

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. rubaduckymoomoo (inside joke)
2. Brittanysmith66
3. starsfalldown33

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my eyes
2. my hair
3. my boobs

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my weight
2. the way i dont trust people
3.thats it

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. german
2. indian
3. thats it

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. being alone
2. snakes actually any reptile
3. being kidnapped

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1.makeup
2. deodorant
3. music

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1.a pair of silver(the brand) capris
2. orange houndstooth shirt
3. my favorite fossil watch

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. ben harper-forever
2. blink 182-adams song (thats always my favorite)
3. fallout boy- nobody puts baby in the corner.. my favorite band

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. find someone to be with
2. forget about someone
3. get a job that doesnt involve farming..

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. trust
2. cuddle
3. knowing that they feel the same way abt me as i do them

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in random order, you decided which are truths and which is a lie):
1. I'm a virgin
2. I don't have a boyfriend
3. I have a broken heart

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. they have to look good in shorts.. ha their calfs have to be niccccccccccce
2. eyes
3. height

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. keep a boyfriend.. atleast nowadays
2. feel good about myself
3. be happy

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. sleeping and being lazy
2. hanging out
3. being on the internet lol

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. cry
2. be with someone
3. partttttttttty

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. landscape architect
2. veternarian
3. pediatrician

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. anywhere away from here and the chicago area
2. arkansas (home)
3. california.. (spring break)

THREE KID'S NAMES
1. Riley Rose
2. Jeremiah Scott
3. Atiana Ali

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. be happy
2. sky dive
3. actually i have awhole list.. lol ..another is learn to play guitar

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 04:02:45 GMT

man i have to stop living everyday wondering if hes mad at me or if hes going to call me or if hes going to come see me and shit cuz it just brings me down so fucking much. yea. so yeah. tomorrow im going to saras at 9:30 then tylers comin over then were going to get mitchell. then yeah. ha.

Tue, 31 May 2005 01:36:28 GMT

ive gotta learn to not let little shit like this get to me.
ive gotta learn to live life carefree.
and not to be so overdramatic.
ive gotta learn to not let love get in between friendships.
and that secrets are meant to be told.
gosh do i have alot to learn.
ive gotta learn that people sometime in your life are going to betray you.
and lie to you.
and stab you in the back.
ive gotta learn that people most of the time dont mean what they say.
ive gotta learn to be ok with myself.
and that people should accept me for me.
and i shouldnt have to be someone else for people to like me.
i need to also accept the fact that i wont be alone forever.. like i think i will.
ive gotta learn to trust that God has someone for me and he will come when God thinks i need him.
ive gotta learn to just trust God.
and that life isnt as bad as it seems.
or as bad as i make it out to be.
ive gotta learn to open up to people.
and to trust them.
cuz trust is something i lack.
ive deffinetly have to learn this.

Sat, 28 May 2005 06:19:11 GMT

Rwarpecha: ur my best friend ok

russ then why dont you start acting like it

Sat, 28 May 2005 06:12:10 GMT

omfg im going to kill him i hate my dad. i fucking sat there and did all the dishes right in front of him and did all the laundry and i clean the house everynight so that him and my mom have a clean place to come home to and the one thing i didnt do was the dog ran outta food WHILE I WAS GONE and he comes home and says 'you need to start helping out'OMG DO I NOT CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE AND DO EVERYTHING EVERYDAY. damn he pisses me off so fucking much. oh well im not letting him or anyone else bring me down.

tonight i had a great night.. i came home and sara came over. and we had some fun rocking out. lol. she knows she knows.then russ and joe came and got me and we went to tylers and robbie russ joe and tyler were chillen in the garage and shit and theyre all like your one of the guys lol. i was like ok theyre like your so fuckin cool lol i know i am. lol. so then we went to robbies. and yeah nate and steven showed up and then after a while they took me home. they were drinkin and moms like when she got home she goes your eyes are blood shot..but i didnt even drink tonight. i thought i was going to die on the way home bc steven had NO GAS WHAT SO EVER. so yeah. it was great lol ugh russ is now pissin me off. so im out.

Fri, 27 May 2005 18:03:05 GMT

okay so im done trying. hes really the only one i want right now.. but seems like i cant get my way and im not used to not getting my way. at all. i always do. ugh i hate boys. boys and boys.that means no more. im gonna wait and let them come to me. if you dont like me then dont fucking tell me you do.. all you have to say is 'i dont like you' simple as that..not saying that he doesnt like me or anything i just dont feel like he does.. maybe he needs to take some lessons on showing you care. yes he does. boy oh boy. sometimes i feel like i have to be someone else besides myself.. and im done with that.. you should like me for me not what i pretend to be. ya know.. im tired of pretending im happy.. and always smiling and shit because im not im not happy. i want to get outta here. today at school i started crying and i just kept thinkin of everything and i couldnt stop. thats not me.. i dont let people see me cry.but i just couldnt help it. im tired of everything. wouldnt it be something if everything changed? i would love it. i thought i wanted change i wanted outta jonesboro but i would do anything to go back home. i belong there its just not the same without me there huh guys?! haha. i remember the night i was driving around and my mom called and i was crying to her telling her i wanted out of that town and i hate it and i just wanted to die.. and then she said she knows and she was crying.. but yall should know why well atleast my close friends do.. and what happens? two days after taht she calls me home and shes like were moving and i know thats whati wanted at one time but i tried my hardest to talk her out of it.. but she wanted it. and i wanted my mom to be happy. i love to see her happy. and she just wasnt there. its not that i hate the people here i just hate it..the fact that im like 10 hours away from my true friends and my home. not saying i dont hav good friends here but ya know.the other day when we were eating in the mall i told my mom that im tired of acting like im happy because its a lie im not. and shes like is there anything i can do and she knows what she can do. but she just wont. ugh. and with my dad... god that man.. he thinks everythings all good and shit.. he thinks my moms ok and shit but shes not she told me herself... when i came here it was only suppose to be me and her not him but he came for some fucking reason he had to come here. then he fucking goes back 3 days later.. wtf then comes here again. ok he needs to decide who makes him happy cuz obviously my mom isnt all he wants. my mom wants to get outta this house and have it just me and her but right now she doesnt make enough money to support the two of us and its so hard because i just cant stand him and what he did to my mom. i let it bring me down and i shouldnt. the funny thing is is he thinks everythings good and fine and i feel sorry for him because little does he know its not and one day when we leave hes going to be crushed.. but what can ya do? he deserves it i think.. he shouldnt have torn my mom apart. haha caseys dad and my mom can get together and wed be sisters.how great..lol but shes already my sister. hehe. uhm yeah. i just cant even look at my dad the same.. they say you know like father and daughters have a special bond.. but we dont.. i dont even talk to him. and it hurts so bad because if you knew me before you know that i was a daddys girl and my dad was my hero. he taught me alot and ive learned based on his mistakes. but now its like nothing we dont even talk. and if i do its always one big fight. and he brings me down so much. and im not trying to get pity or anything but this is how i feel. i cant ever get that day outta my head.. and i know i should move on and shit but i cant. its always there. and that day i realized who really cared about me the people that were there for me when i was bawling my eyes out casey britt tasha mika and john.. oh john.. i miss him he was the one who i ran to when i was bawling and he just held me tight forever it seemed like and told me everythings going to be ok. and i wanted so bad to believe him. and casey.. thers no words to explain our friendship you know that. and britt you too i love you two so much and i appreciate everything you guys have done for me.. but im gonna go before i cry even harder.